Money and Adult Relationships
Written by: Dr. Carol L. Schnabl Schweitzer
If we want to silence a room or begin an argument, all we need to do is mention money. The reality is more and better conversations about money will alleviate stress and the potential for conflict.
I have listened to young college graduates ask why they did not receive any kind of education that would prepare them for the kinds of decisions they would need to make as adults concerning their benefits packages when they began their first job. Or, they ponder why they were never warned about student loan debt related to their vocation and earning potential.
Money (or a lack of money) in adult relationships is often a source of conflict. Conflict concerning money, especially in couple or partnered relationships, may lead to the end of the relationship.
One of the primary ways we learn to be in relationship is from our family of origin. Families have traditions and rituals that may have been cultivated for many generations covering topics such as:
Who handled the finances?
How is money used (both saved and spent)?
Is money borrowed from or loaned to extended family (with or without interest)?
How are resources used (or not) to support children’s education? Or, for an aging or ill family member?
These are among the many kinds of questions I listened to adults wrestle with as a pastoral counselor.
What I have experienced with couples who have healthy relationships, including their relationships with money, is that there is no single plan that will be appropriate for all. What determines health in a relationship is whether or not adults have the ability to talk about, and reach agreement on, the ways in which they manage their resources.
I have been a lifelong admirer of Fred Rogers. He said: “The real issue in life is not how many blessings we have, but what we do with our blessings. Some people have many blessings and hoard them. Some have few and give everything away.”[1]
Read Matthew 6:25-34 and/or Luke 12:22-31.
Jesus said, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10).
Questions for Reflection
1) What does it mean to have life abundantly?
2) What do you worry about?
3) What do you strive for?
[1]Rogers, F. (2003). The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember. New York: Hyperion, p. 164.
